I remember telling a friend how I wished that I could carry the same joy I have when I experience victories during my struggles. I am currently going through a situation, big in my eyes, probably small in your eyes and tiny in the eyes of the Lord but my mind is wondering here and there. I’m making plan B, C and even D, ‘if this doesn’t work, I will do that,’ ‘if that doesn’t work, maybe I should try this,’ ‘if it still doesn’t work, maybe it’s not meant to be and I will make another plan,’ my mind doesn’t stop and it kills me (obviously not literally, because I’m still alive.)
I’m so challenged inside me it’s ridiculous. If I cannot have faith for this small thing, what am I going to do when things really get bad? You see, the time was coming where I had to make a decision and all the doors were opening in this particular direction and I finally accepted and I knew what the lord wanted me to do. But after that, it seemed like all the doors were closing again and my first reaction was, ‘the Lord deceived me.’ I failed my test within seconds of it starting, since when does the Lord ever deceive anyone? (I saw how easy it was to blame God when things don’t go your way or when a little pebble falls on your path.) I was finished in my heart. My mind started making plans again and doubting the ones that were trying to line up to Gods plan.
The second fail of this situation was the joy I wanted to carry when I go through hard times. When I heard the bad news, my smile left my face and peace left my heart. I had to force myself not to think about it or my mind would take me too far with its trickery and games. I would be fine and joyful when I wasn’t thinking about it, but when the situation replayed in my head again, I felt depressed and stressed out. The last fail of this test, was my faith. I was still hoping in ‘man’ for my situation, not a man, but my trust and hope was not in the Lord first but in man. (Does that make sense?) I remember walking out the house, telling the pastor I live with to ‘wish me luck’ as I was about to leave to try sort out the things I needed to. He stopped me and said, ‘is it luck you want? I think we should pray…’ after he prayed for me, I left there feeling like a broken woman, shocked at the little faith I had in my big God.
After this, I realised a few things, the first one is I can’t do or be anything or anyone in my own strength. I wanted to carry joy in my struggles, but how can Ido that? It’s the joy of the Lord I had to carry, so how will I get that joy? By releasing that situation into the hands of the Lord, which I hadn’t done yet and trying to sort this all out without asking the Lord for help, made things worse, I didn’t seek Him to lead me and guide me, I sort of did my own thing hoping it will work out. The other thing I realised is that, everything is taken care of, everything. The Lord planned out my life long before I was born and all I have to do is co-operate and have faith that His plan will come to pass, which has been successful thus far, so why freak out now? One more thing is faith, each time something comes my way that challenges my faith, my faith tends to jump out the window and run away, not even putting up a little fight. Sad thing is, I let it happen, forgetting all the things the Lord has done in my life in the past and all the wonderful things I have witness Him do in others’ lives. The last but not least, I realised how much He loves me. There is no ways someone could love another that keeps losing faith in Him and panics when things go ‘wrong’, but they haven’t gone wrong, you’re just being tested. But Jesus still loves me after all this, He still wants His plan to come to pass in my life and His love will never stop for me, never. That brings hope and when I have hope, I have faith.
Well, It’s definitely growing (my faith), slowly but surely, I’m growing and I thank the Lord every day for never giving up on me.
Part 2 is coming up people… This is not the end 🙂